Miscarriage Loss – Keep It To Yourself?

I’ve had a miscarriage.  Quite frankly, miscarriage sucks.  That being said, miscarriage loss is something not really talked about outside of mommy bloggers who will bare their soul.  Sometimes it’s part of a healing process; other times it’s to help others realize that they aren’t alone in the pain from their miscarriage loss.

Gwyneth Paltrow recently shared her own miscarriage loss.  She shared that the miscarriage pain wasn’t just emotional: it nearly killed her.  A commenter wrote:

“Sorry for her loss, but I can’t think a single reason why we need to know this.”

Ugh.  Seriously?  I can think of several reasons.  It’s not crucial to anyone’s well-being to know that Paltrow suffered a miscarriage loss.  That being said, her willingness to share can help far more than it hurts.

Sharing her miscarriage loss can help others feel less alone.

Miscarriage Loss - Keep It To Yourself? (Motherhood Looms)

Image courtesy of FrameAngel / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Miscarriage is isolating.  It’s not something that many people understand unless they themselves have experienced it.  Sure, it’s not the same as losing a child who has walked and talked and breathed on her own… but it’s the loss of a baby that creates an emptiness of its own.  It’s solitary and lonely.  For women coping with miscarriage grief, knowing that they aren’t alone is helpful.

Talking About Miscarriage Can Destigmatize

Once upon a time, cancer was something not talked about.  A cancer diagnosis was a social death in the 1950’s.  With time and education, cancer hasn’t completely lost its stigma (particularly since some cancers are “the patient’s own fault” due to lifestyle choices such as smoking), but it’s better.  Talking about miscarriage can have the same impact.

Talking Can Heal

Anyone who says that miscarriages can be moved past and forgotten has clearly never experienced it.  Some people find that talking about their miscarriage grief and loss helps them cope with the pain.  For me, personally, it took months before I could even type the word “miscarriage,” let alone say it.  When I could finally type it instead of “the m word,” I was recovering.  When I was actually able to say the word instead of “it didn’t work out,” I was moving along even more.

For me, talking doesn’t make it better at all.  But I recognize that for someone who is still coping, knowing that she’s not alone can be absolutely helpful.  Maybe that’s what Ms. Paltrow was going for in sharing.

Either way, it’s a conversation worth having.

Have you experienced loss?  Did talking about it help you?

About Suzi

Suzi is an American ex-pat living in British Columbia. She's a cloth diaper addict, wife, mom of three, and President of the Prince George chapter of Cloth for a Cause.

Comments

  1. I have never had a miscarriage; however, you need to grieve the loss so that you can move on. Talking about it can help you heal and your story can help encourage another mom who is going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing.

  2. I have never had a miscarriage; however, you need to grieve the loss so that you can move on. Talking about it can help you heal and your story can help encourage another mom who is going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing.

  3. I have experienced two losses. one at 3 months, one at 5 weeks. they were both brutal in their own ways. having a support system around me and having people around me willing to discuss their losses helped me with mine. and now, i dont hide that i have had losses, because one day me talking about it will help someone else like it helped me.

  4. I have experienced two losses. one at 3 months, one at 5 weeks. they were both brutal in their own ways. having a support system around me and having people around me willing to discuss their losses helped me with mine. and now, i dont hide that i have had losses, because one day me talking about it will help someone else like it helped me.

  5. Seriously? Some peoples children, I will just never understand. Who says that to someone? Having had five miscarriages I know exactly how important it is to talk about it more openly.

    I agree with all of your reasons as to why.

    I’ve also found it helps to break the ice and awkwardness when I’m more willing to talk about it, especially around those people who know about the loss. Often times they don’t know what to say and when I make the first move it helps them to be more supportive.

  6. Seriously? Some peoples children, I will just never understand. Who says that to someone? Having had five miscarriages I know exactly how important it is to talk about it more openly.

    I agree with all of your reasons as to why.

    I’ve also found it helps to break the ice and awkwardness when I’m more willing to talk about it, especially around those people who know about the loss. Often times they don’t know what to say and when I make the first move it helps them to be more supportive.

  7. I think it’s a very good idea to talk about this…with the right people. Like you were saying, it’s hard for most people who haven’t gone through it themselves to understand how you’re feeling. I think it’s good to talk about it with supportive people, though.

    • Obviously, you shouldn’t walk up to the stranger at the grocery store and tell her gory details. There’s a point in between “Never speak of this” and “Overshare.”

  8. I think it’s a very good idea to talk about this…with the right people. Like you were saying, it’s hard for most people who haven’t gone through it themselves to understand how you’re feeling. I think it’s good to talk about it with supportive people, though.

    • Obviously, you shouldn’t walk up to the stranger at the grocery store and tell her gory details. There’s a point in between “Never speak of this” and “Overshare.”

  9. My daughter was stillborn not that long ago. I think it is good and healthy to talk about it. I also think it shouldn’t be such a taboo subject either. The more people who speak out about it, the better. Women should not have to feel alone and isolated during this time.

  10. My daughter was stillborn not that long ago. I think it is good and healthy to talk about it. I also think it shouldn’t be such a taboo subject either. The more people who speak out about it, the better. Women should not have to feel alone and isolated during this time.

  11. I had 2. I didn’t talk about them with anyone other than my husband and mom at first. Not because I was ashamed or anything, but mostly because it was just so emotional. After some time, though, I began to share with friends. It was healing to talk about it.

  12. I had 2. I didn’t talk about them with anyone other than my husband and mom at first. Not because I was ashamed or anything, but mostly because it was just so emotional. After some time, though, I began to share with friends. It was healing to talk about it.

Trackbacks

  1. […] the record, my husband and I are cautiously excited. We had a miscarriage a couple of months ago. (There. I typed it. Now if I can actually *say* the word, then that might […]

  2. […] on the one that didn’t work out), I only want to wait until we’re past the point where everything went wrong last time.  (I actually think that my husband would just plain like to ignore the event until […]

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