Miscarriage Fears – Looking Back on Pregnancy (5 weeks)

I’m so glad I blogged Norton’s pregnancy like I did.  It’s a way of ensuring that I never, ever let time dull memories.  One of the big things that I coped with during that pregnancy was miscarriage fears.  I’d managed to conceive Norton one cycle after a loss, so I spent a lot of time terrified.  I preferred to think of it as “cautiously optimistic.”  I originally wrote this on July 14, 2009.

My state of mind can be, at best, be described as cautiously optimistic. At my worst, I’m in the early stages of grieving.

Miscarriage Fears - Looking Back on Pregnancy (5 weeks)I got my positive test on Sunday. It’s not like I’ve been able to stare at a ticker for weeks, knowing that it’s counting down the days (well, months, really) until I have a baby.

However, it wasn’t that long ago that I was staring at a ticker and excited over another pregnancy. It didn’t work out. I still blame my doctors. Every single one that treated me.

I have PCOS. After trying for months and not even getting a period, I got a referral to an Ob/Gyn who backed my GP’s PCOS diagnosis and put me on Metformin. My GPs (a husband and wife practice) didn’t think that I should continue with the Metformin once I got pregnant, and the gynecologist agreed.

I didn’t agree. I did research, because I’m a know-it-all geek who has to know a little bit about everything. I tend to approach a hobby with enough research to imply that I’m working on my dissertation. I found conflicting studies, some said to discontinue the Metformin, while others said to take it. The ones that said to stop didn’t say why. The ones that said to continue listed benefits for women with PCOS, such as reduced chances of miscarriage, reduced chances of gestational diabetes, etc.

They insisted. They’re doctors, so they should know best, right?

Yeah, well, I’ll never be that naive again. Two weeks after I stopped taking the Met, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It was the most physically painful time of my life. And that’s not even touching on the emotional aspect. I spent five days in and out of doctors, labs, and the emergency room. My gynecologist’s partner (who was on call when everything started to go wrong) insisted that I start the Metformin back up, and increase my dose. For five days, they strung me along with false hope.

I’m terrified that this will end the same way.

But I remind myself that I’m going to continue taking the Metformin, which will reduce my odds of things… not working out again to be that of a normal, non-PCOS woman. I told my GP last time that I would not discontinue Metformin for the next time. He agreed with me. I’m not sure if he meant it, or if he was just humoring me because I was on the edge of hysterics.

Neither my husband or I are willing to get as excited this time as we did the last time. Not yet. We have to get past the fear first.

Ultimately, though, we did get past the miscarriage fears and settle into a fairly routine pregnancy.  Eventually, I got to the point where I could actually use the word.  (That did take a while, though, and it was long after the miscarriage fears subsided.)  Did you get pregnant after a loss?  How long did it take for you to get past miscarriage fears?

About Suzi

Suzi is an American ex-pat living in British Columbia. She's a cloth diaper addict, wife, mom of three, and President of the Prince George chapter of Cloth for a Cause.

Comments

  1. Sodayah says:

    We suffered several miscarriages before we got our daughter and by the time she came along I was so upset when I got my positive because how long was this one going to last that we didn’t tell anyone about it. I was so freaked out I was going every other day for blood work, if you know me you know I am freaked out by needles, just to make sure my HCG levels were doubling, when they didn’t occasionally I panicked and my poor dr had to remind me that I may have gone in earlier than I did the day before. It wasn’t until after we went to our appointment at the high risk clinic that we told anyone mostly because we were in shock at being told we were having twins. We lost one at 12 weeks but I got my little girl out of this and she was definitely worth the wait. I’m still freaked out at the idea of eventually trying for another one because I don’t know if I’m strong enough to start the whole cycle again and risk a misscarriage but eventually I know I will.

  2. Jennifer Marohn says:

    ::Hugs:: I too have PCOS and after 5 years of trying we finally got pregnant using Clomid. 8 weeks later, I was no longer pregnant. It is so hard to lose a baby when you have been trying so hard. We now have a beautiful little girl, but I’ve never forgot my little angel. I tell my daughter that she has a “brother” in heaven with Poppa. And that they are watching over her all the time. I don’t know if she understands, but it gives me some comfort.

    • Since that loss, we’ve had two beautiful babies. (Norton & Eudora) It was hard, but we’ve been so blessed with our babies that we have.

  3. Ariel C. says:

    Hugs, mama.

  4. AlannaB says:

    I personally did not have a miscarriage, but I have known others that have, even multiple times before giving birth to a baby that survived. I couldn’t imagine going through that and wish that no parents would ever have to 🙁

  5. Emily_faliLV says:

    I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! No parent should ever have to lose a child/baby/pregnancy. I can imagine it’s especially hard as you feel like it could have been prevented. Sending lots of positive vibes you way!! Congrats.

  6. Jennifer Louie says:

    My first pregnency ended in a miscarriage. I now have 4 beautiful children. I never got over the fear. I refused to tell anyone we were pregnant until we were 13 weeks along. I had the fear every time that I went to the bathroom there would be blood. I lived with that every day of 4 pregnancies. It was really hard to not let myself go crazy with that fear.

  7. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even fathom what you are going through. I would try not to blame yourself or your doctors, sometimes these things are far beyond our control as hard as they are. I wanted to share with you a post I wrote on this topic and hope that you can find comfort from it. http://upliftingfamilies.com/surviving-miscarriage/

Trackbacks

  1. […] Despite the relief that I knew that I would feel at not needing to continue on the journey of trying to conceive after a miscarriage, just thinking that I might be pregnant again filled me with fear. I always knew that miscarriage was a risk with any pregnancy. However, my first, albeit short, pregnancy was a time of innocence. Miscarriage was a theoretical risk in the back of my mind, but I was an optimistic mama-to-be. I did wait until I was eight weeks into my pregnancy to make an announcement to my friends and coworkers, but I was not afraid of announcing my pregnancy that early. Having lost one baby, I knew that I was going to be more reserved in my happiness with any subsequent pregnancies. That faint little second line just nine days post ovulation brought back the fear of losing another pregnancy to the forefront of my mind. After all, having gone through one miscarriage and subsequently getting pregnant again meant that I could potentially suffer another miscarriage. […]

  2. […] great.  Suddenly, my fears during pregnancy were vanquished.  Or at least, those particular fears during pregnancy were vanquished.  I felt better.  At that point, I was able to rationally realize that abdominal […]

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