I’m so glad I blogged Norton’s pregnancy like I did. It’s a way of ensuring that I never, ever let time dull memories. One of the big things that I coped with during that pregnancy was miscarriage fears. I’d managed to conceive Norton one cycle after a loss, so I spent a lot of time terrified. I preferred to think of it as “cautiously optimistic.” I originally wrote this on July 14, 2009.
My state of mind can be, at best, be described as cautiously optimistic. At my worst, I’m in the early stages of grieving.
However, it wasn’t that long ago that I was staring at a ticker and excited over another pregnancy. It didn’t work out. I still blame my doctors. Every single one that treated me.
I have PCOS. After trying for months and not even getting a period, I got a referral to an Ob/Gyn who backed my GP’s PCOS diagnosis and put me on Metformin. My GPs (a husband and wife practice) didn’t think that I should continue with the Metformin once I got pregnant, and the gynecologist agreed.
I didn’t agree. I did research, because I’m a know-it-all geek who has to know a little bit about everything. I tend to approach a hobby with enough research to imply that I’m working on my dissertation. I found conflicting studies, some said to discontinue the Metformin, while others said to take it. The ones that said to stop didn’t say why. The ones that said to continue listed benefits for women with PCOS, such as reduced chances of miscarriage, reduced chances of gestational diabetes, etc.
They insisted. They’re doctors, so they should know best, right?
Yeah, well, I’ll never be that naive again. Two weeks after I stopped taking the Met, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. It was the most physically painful time of my life. And that’s not even touching on the emotional aspect. I spent five days in and out of doctors, labs, and the emergency room. My gynecologist’s partner (who was on call when everything started to go wrong) insisted that I start the Metformin back up, and increase my dose. For five days, they strung me along with false hope.
I’m terrified that this will end the same way.
But I remind myself that I’m going to continue taking the Metformin, which will reduce my odds of things… not working out again to be that of a normal, non-PCOS woman. I told my GP last time that I would not discontinue Metformin for the next time. He agreed with me. I’m not sure if he meant it, or if he was just humoring me because I was on the edge of hysterics.
Neither my husband or I are willing to get as excited this time as we did the last time. Not yet. We have to get past the fear first.
Ultimately, though, we did get past the miscarriage fears and settle into a fairly routine pregnancy. Eventually, I got to the point where I could actually use the word. (That did take a while, though, and it was long after the miscarriage fears subsided.) Did you get pregnant after a loss? How long did it take for you to get past miscarriage fears?